Recently I hit my lowest low, and something snapped. I had an insight that was life-changing. One that completely altered my perspective. And I had several of the most productive days in a long time.
Then I relapsed. And all I could do was ask myself: "How?" How did I experience such a profound lesson, such a profound shift - only to slide backward like nothing happened?
Imagine you're on a ship. Your habits and choices are your food - they determine how you feel, your mental nourishment or poisoning. Your command of the wheel is your mindset - it's your direction, guide through the seas. You promise to change your "diet" and have a grand direction to take the ship, but you've forgotten something.
The ship. Your direction is too ambitious for the carcass of wood you ride upon, and as you crank the wheel to the right your ship breaks apart - leaving you drifting in the same direction you were heading, able only to stare longingly at the direction you wished to go as the remnants of your vessel sink to the ocean floor.
Ambitions are without bounds because they are not reality, but dreams of what reality could be. And if they are too large, our soul cannot carry them. We will be predisposed to make it partway, only to stagger and fall. And we lie there, exhausted from our efforts. Aiming to climb the whole mountain at once, we spat in the face of smaller, consistent steps that give respect to the gravity of the task at hand. Because we thought we could do it in one step, that we could change reality in an instant - riding the silver bullet to instant perfection. And here we see that even as we make breakthroughs, as we stride toward change, our ego is alive enough to reach out and trip us one last time.
We only have so many moments in our lives to change. Our own willingness is only one of the many circumstances that must be met for real change to happen, and you might not have another chance once this one is gone. Take the time to change your mindset, to change your habits - but take your time. Practice what you already learned until you have mastered it. Accept yourself for your current stage of progress, even if it is short of your destination. Strengthen your hull so that the waves of stress will not break you. Test the ice before you step.
Think of it like taking a cold shower. If you go straight to the coldest temperature, the shock itself will cause you to jump back and retreat. Too rapid of change will do the same. You may reply, "But this is change I want, why would I react with retreat?" It's because "You" aren't the one making the decisions - a much deeper, primal and addicted part of you is. It's job is to survive, to fight against the feeling of rapid change - a feeling we know innately to be associated with peril, and even death. Guide this poor creature into the light, but do it slowly. Let the eyes adjust. For the light in the world you will take it is one-million times brighter than from whence it came.
Be a teacher, a parent, and a friend to the piece of you that has been so neglected all these years. You don't need to avoid the change, but you need to take it more slowly - be realistic about what you can get done. If you don't, you'll only set yourself up for failure.
If you're having trouble filling up the extra time when taking it more slowly, do more planning and execution, instead of blind effort. Take some time to do a little bit every day on tasks like cleaning your room or starting an assignment that isn't due for several weeks. You don't have to change the world instantaneously, and you shouldn't seek to immediately run the moment you can stand. Life isn't a race to the end either, so if you still have some extra time on your hands, maybe use it to think about how beautiful this world is, how wonderful is can be. Just appreciate it, That feeling alone may serve as the your anchor once you finally reach dry land. Replace your resentment with kindness and change the fuel for your fire. Though your fire may burn more calmly, it will also burn cleaner, and consume less of you in the process.
