The Vicious Cycle of Fault

Just today I found an article that precisely describes the biggest fault that limits my progress and the best solution for it I've ever found.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/05/how-to-stop-taking-life-so-personally/

So what fault am I referring to? *Let me disclose that this problem may not effect you, but to those who it DOES effect, it can be very difficult to address*

My shoulders are sore tonight. Although I could blame the several hours of tennis I just played, I know the real reason - I've put the world on them. It all starts with one word:

Fault.

Have you ever stopped yourself, stopped your mind dead in its tracks to see what that sneaky organ is up to? I like to do it after something goes wrong - say, some accident that I had no control over - that affects my work or research. All of a sudden, I feel a familiar feeling wash over me: Guilt, Shame, Embarrassment. 

That's right, it's my mind working away to make me feel at fault for something I had nothing to do with. In small amounts it's fine, I believe it's life's way of pushing us to feel responsible for the success of things we're involved in. The problem comes when its constant.

This brings some key symptoms:

1) Your happiness isn't consistent. Some days you feel on top of life, happy, in control. Other days you feel like a failure, painfully aware of your faults yet paralyzed, unable to overcome them or do much at all. It's almost a catatonic state that then gets filled with Facebook, games, distractions - anything to distract your brain.

2) You approach possible solutions the wrong way. This is one that really made it difficult for me to overcome always feeling at fault. I always was looking for a silver bullet - because I MUST be doing something wrong, right? If only I changed my actions or mindset, things wouldn't happen the way they did!

Here's the problem: I may be a level 23 life magician but there is no way in Hell that I will EVER be able to stop the Universe from.... well, being the Universe. There are SO many outcomes and occurrences that I have literally NO control over. I could bend over backwards, be literally perfect - and it wouldn't matter. Once you realize it's a physiological, chemical reaction and not just the "way you think", it will begin to dissipate.

3) Because you base your happiness on outcomes out of your control, you can NEVER win. Even worse, you may get excited when an approach works but you'll be brought to despair once that fails to work a second time.

4) Your "failures" start to really weigh on you. When you think of trying to change or embark on some venture, you're paralyzed. You've seen what you thought were foolproof approaches work and then fail, so the problem HAS to be with you. You don't have any confidence in your ability to make change and you subconsciously skirt challenges because they will almost guaranteed bring more shame your way. This is the stage I've gotten to.

The KEY to getting out of this vicious cycle is to not take the Universe personally. Take a step back. Now take a deep breath. As you exhale, accept that tomorrow you could get hit by a bus. That's it. It happens every day. The Universe does ONE thing. It Acts. No amount of thinking or planning is going to change that. [Not surprisingly, this approach also gets you over fear of death pretty quickly]

When you accept that, frankly, shit happens, you become more of an observer. When something goes wrong, instead of fault creeping in you see several options pop up, like on "Who wants to be a Millionaire". You curiously peruse the actions you could take and choose the optimal one for your goals. Wrong choice? No problem, you approach it with interest as a learning experiment. It's weird how quickly and well this works.

Now, now I know what question is coming: Why do I want to become a cold observer that only experiences life from a distance?    Don't worry, the opposite actually happens.

I used to think to be aware and truly experience life I had to completely immerse myself in every aspect of my day, intimately experiencing everything without truly processing it.

Instead of some enlightened experience of connectedness, it felt like I was in front of a fan - a fan which was constantly spraying a blizzard of shit into my face. Nowhere in this shit-blizzard was there time to decipher what things I should emotionally react to, feel responsible for, or pay attention to. Awareness isn't just about paying attention, it's about what you selectively pay attention to.

Not taking the Universe personally lets you take a step back and CHOOSE what you want to experience, what you want to entangle your emotions with. I've found these "chosen" experiences to be ones with which I'm not just happier, but also incredibly intimate with and aware of. This approach encompasses a growth mentality that keeps you focused on improving and experiencing instead of self-blaming and "fixing yourself" in an effort to change things you have no influence over.

****** LAST BUT NOT LEAST *******

Taking the blame can be noble, and an essential part of life. But people who take the blame too much, like myself, are often also programmed to take on loads of responsibility. At first, it's no issue in your head because you know what you're capable of (IF you do your best and everything goes perfectly, a default expectation I always seem to have). The problem comes when you start thinking of underperforming - maybe you start on a project later then you wanted to. Next thing you know you're shaming yourself for not having been proactive, causing paralysis and much more serious lapses in work. I literally had a semester where every single assignment, for every single class, was late. Now to be fair it was grad classes and I still got a 3.5, but that semester PERFECTLY embodied this cycle.

Moral of the story: Taking blame for the Universe actually PREVENTS you from taking on responsibilities you're capable of and PREVENTS you from both being happy and improving the person you are. It's not noble. It's not useful. It will never work.

**I've found being in this cycle can drastically increase fear of death / becoming nothing because, surprise surprise, you somehow feel responsible for not preventing it or securing a different outcome, like you'll run out of time and never find the answer that will supposedly save you. This can lead to some pretty horrific depression, so if this describes you (as it has described me), 1) Seek help if the danger is immediate and 2) Please take the advice in this post, EVEN if you are not at this point yet.

Challenge to you: SAY NO.  Learning to say "NO" is essential to being happy and navigating this path. It sets your priorities and prevents you from taking on more responsibility than you can reasonably handle in your current state. Say "NO" now and build yourself into someone that can say "YES" more often.

Something to Grow On

Humans are pretty insightful. Our thoughts can lead us to see life with clarity and understanding in mere moments, and for a short time we hold this wisdom. But no matter how many times we attain it, it always slips away like we never knew it at all. Grasping at sand that blows away with the wind, branches reaching out wildly only to wither in need of a core to support them. A person climbing a ladder as fast as they can, hoping to just touch the top, only to fall forever in need of something solid to call ground.

In the search of what we may be, we must constantly remember who we are.

It seems like a contradiction, right? To bring in the future, we need to cast out the past! And therein lies the problem with that mentality - the past here isn't some obsolete technology, some old style - it's our entire selves! Chances are good when we go to cast out the past we haven't drawn a clear line between what's OK to toss aside and what's essential to who we are. It's the difference between a precise pivot and carelessly casting out everything that we are.

With each casting out it becomes harder to hold on to even the most basic pieces of who you are with confidence. Next thing you know you're floating in limbo, shattered into disorganized pieces every time you challenge who you are.

So here's my challenge to you (and myself) for this coming week: 

• Bring a small piece of paper with you everywhere you go. Every time you think of something that is part of the base of who you are, write it down. A quality, something you care about, a sport, a type of music - write it down and lay the cement. 

I'm facing some difficult challenges right now in life, strong enough to blow me away. In the past week I've known both what it is like to:

1. Cast out who I am in want of change, only to find emptiness, directionless progress, and a loss of confidence in everything that I am rather than just the parts I wanted to change.
2. and also stand firm against the wind, with the superfluous structure blowing away but the chiseled core remaining defiant and unmoved. In this moment I felt indestructible.

Stay strong in who you are. Question the path you take, not your ability to walk upon it. Find your  form, and wear it with pride - it is your core, your rock.

Every Drop of Life

"To experience infinity and to live a mortal life are not different dreams. As I know my time will some day come, I savor the sensation of each moment, infinitesimally small. The sum of these moments is my life, and my infinity. Only after this infinity will I finally grow tired and, with a smile, lie to rest. Most people are connected to this world by threads - floating, lost in their own visions and dreaming of some abstract grandeur that follows this life. Instead of praying with these hands, I seek to weave a cloak - working the threads of my soul into the great tapestry that is draped upon our world. I will one day leave this world, with that cloak on my shoulders. And it shall embrace me during death, as I embraced it during life."