Close your eyes and Trust.

Our society is hallmarked by labels. Having generalized and predetermined attitudes save mental energy and are often harmless. Labels aren't just words, they're attitudes, pictures in our mind of what the labeled object or person is. Emotional centers of the brain are immediately recruited with a generic response to the label, heading off questioning thoughts or situational distinction that could otherwise occur. This saves us from some mental burden, but at what cost?

Labeling enhances our already held dispositions toward things, constantly reinforcing them without question and engraving them into us. When we are successful this can affirm our prowess, but ultimately leads us to rest on our laurels, fall to hubris and ultimately label ourselves as the polar opposite, a complete failure, when we fall. It leads to tribalism in the political setting and keeps people defensive rather than open to conversation. 

Labels do well to keep us within well-defined boxes. Even the successful businessman who labels himself as such avoids opportunities where he could fail and damage his reputation, making him eventually fade from relevance. The student who was always told he was a failure will likely not seek to disprove it. The juvenile delinquent who feels destined to be in and out of jail will find this prophecy fulfilled. Victims of abuse will continue to fall into the hands of abusers. The crazy thing, we're all aware of this. We know we don't want things to continue as they have, we yearn for change with all our heart. We break, we cry, we pray and we die by our own hands when we finally give in. These invisible walls that we put into place feel indestructible, even when their builder wishes to strongly to take them down. These walls are not something we can easily address and remove, because they aren't real. We can't take a sledgehammer to them and no matter how much directed anger we put toward them, relief is only temporary - as if we can push the walls apart slightly only to have them slide back in and crush us to size, exhausted. 

These walls represent how we currently assess our progress, where we stand - are they really invalid? Or is the real issue that we can't seem to move them? Where we stand is fluid - we can meet great success or failure in a short period of time. And yet these walls stay frozen as if rooted in an ocean frozen over. This ice keeps us trapped but also protects us from having to swim. This tradeoff can provide stability, but if the ice is allowed to run too deep it becomes difficult to break from its grasp, as the cold drains the life from us.

If we are unwilling to swim, we will choose the prison of our own making. If for countless years we choose to stay within those walls, we soon believe we are incapable of escaping them. This thought alone is the gate, the self-fulfilling prophecy that keeps us prisoner. 

So seek to remove the "in-between" thoughts. Use the 5-second rule and live in action. The thoughts that seek to associate the subject of your thoughts with some predetermined judgement. A great way to do this is by paying attention to your facial expressions and notice how twisted in anger or begrudging it can get with no apparent prompt. Become a blank slate - avoid assumptions and stay observant. You'll find yourself mobile and able to maintain balance and flow with whatever life throws at you. Practice deciding to do something and then doing it - not in entirety but in segments. These small "wins" of 15 minute segments of work give you the feeling of tangible progress and is very much the "eat the elephant one bite at a time" approach. Too often we view the problem we seek to overcome as a whole, which given its size makes it feel insurmountable. We then avoid it then judge ourselves later and avoid that as well! 

You used to procrastinate, avoiding the "insurmountable" obstacle and only addressing it at the deadline by putting your self-worth on the line. You would make it through, with a sub-par product that was "just good-enough" to not completely shatter your image of who you are. You feel exhausted, disgusted at yourself, but you also made it through so you don't change. This is why it often takes someone hitting rock-bottom to change.

Putting your self-worth on the line isn't worth the consequences. Your new motivation will be a trust. A trust that if you are diligent, observant, and make the choices "you know you should" that you will receive the best outcome possible in the time that you have here. There will always be losses and there are things we can never hope to overcome. But every moment that you waste doubting yourself, waiting for the "right moment", is a moment that your life slips slowly from your control. So act now, even if you're scared, because by the time you feel ready you won't have the time or strength to do it. And you will wish, with every fiber of your being that you could go back in time and Just. Take. One.  Step. Look in your heart and see yourself old with this regret, and let that wish be the fire that lights you today.

Jericho

Deep in my mask, 

embedded in bone.

A face that I wear, 

 I claimed was my own. 

Where did it come from?

  and what could I be.

If from different eyes,

 I could myself see?

With force could I break it,

 Find a face of my own?

Or would I just shatter?

made but from brittle stone.

Could it wash from my face,

 like the mask of a clown?

Or would I follow down the drain,

 run together, and drown?

Does it have roots, 

 an end I can find?

Or will I discover, 

 a mask that is mine.

Will I remember,

 can I recover?

My face once my own, 

 now replaced by another.

A mask that I wear,

 one that I've grown into,

yet a mask, somehow,

 You manage to see through.

I stand still and stripped,

Made naked by your stare,

 I feel for a mask - but find nothing there.

A mask I thought needed,

 a life under their stares.

You place no such mask here,

and I'll place none such there.

Will I have courage,

when you wake me from sleep?

Or will I not risk it,

and will this mask I keep?

I yearn for your freedom,

 a face of my own,

but I fear I'll lose footing,

 and stumble, laid out prone.

Prime for the picking,

 my eyes for the crows,

you came to save me,

 but they brought their bows.

The arrows all pierce me,

they run me through,

but they're like the mask,

 and they aren't real like you.

I imagine the archers,

Notching arrow anew,

but when my eyes open,                         I only find you.

Quote

We are children of the stars, dreaming to one day go home. To burn bright for all to see, and to never be alone. But as we look for this place in the sky and carefully comb, we realize it is not a destination, but instead a direction, that is our home.

Don't be a Sisyphus: To end relapse, once and for all.

Recently I hit my lowest low, and something snapped. I had an insight that was life-changing. One that completely altered my perspective. And I had several of the most productive days in a long time.

Then I relapsed. And all I could do was ask myself: "How?" How did I experience such a profound lesson, such a profound shift - only to slide backward like nothing happened? 

Imagine you're on a ship. Your habits and choices are your food - they determine how you feel, your mental nourishment or poisoning. Your command of the wheel is your mindset - it's your direction, guide through the seas. You promise to change your "diet" and have a grand direction to take the ship, but you've forgotten something.

The ship. Your direction is too ambitious for the carcass of wood you ride upon, and as you crank the wheel to the right your ship breaks apart - leaving you drifting in the same direction you were heading, able only to stare longingly at the direction you wished to go as the remnants of your vessel sink to the ocean floor.

Ambitions are without bounds because they are not reality, but dreams of what reality could be. And if they are too large, our soul cannot carry them. We will be predisposed to make it partway, only to stagger and fall. And we lie there, exhausted from our efforts. Aiming to climb the whole mountain at once, we spat in the face of smaller, consistent steps that give respect to the gravity of the task at hand. Because we thought we could do it in one step, that we could change reality in an instant - riding the silver bullet to instant perfection. And here we see that even as we make breakthroughs, as we stride toward change, our ego is alive enough to reach out and trip us one last time. 


We only have so many moments in our lives to change. Our own willingness is only one of the many circumstances that must be met for real change to happen, and you might not have another chance once this one is gone. Take the time to change your mindset, to change your habits - but take your time. Practice what you already learned until you have mastered it. Accept yourself for your current stage of progress, even if it is short of your destination. Strengthen your hull so that the waves of stress will not break you. Test the ice before you step.

Think of it like taking a cold shower. If you go straight to the coldest temperature, the shock itself will cause you to jump back and retreat. Too rapid of change will do the same. You may reply, "But this is change I want, why would I react with retreat?" It's because "You" aren't the one making the decisions - a much deeper, primal and addicted part of you is.  It's job is to survive, to fight against the feeling of rapid change - a feeling we know innately to be associated with peril, and even death. Guide this poor creature into the light, but do it slowly. Let the eyes adjust. For the light in the world you will take it is one-million times brighter than from whence it came.

Be a teacher, a parent, and a friend to the piece of you that has been so neglected all these years. You don't need to avoid the change, but you need to take it more slowly - be realistic about what you can get done. If you don't, you'll only set yourself up for failure. 

If you're having trouble filling up the extra time when taking it more slowly, do more planning and execution, instead of blind effort. Take some time to do a little bit every day on tasks like cleaning your room or starting an assignment that isn't due for several weeks. You don't have to change the world instantaneously, and you shouldn't seek to immediately run the moment you can stand. Life isn't a race to the end either, so if you still have some extra time on your hands, maybe use it to think about how beautiful this world is, how wonderful is can be. Just appreciate it, That feeling alone may serve as the your anchor once you finally reach dry land. Replace your resentment with kindness and change the fuel for your fire. Though your fire may burn more calmly, it will also burn cleaner, and consume less of you in the process.

In Progress: Little steps for a long journey

You can call me Joe. 
I'm hoping my own journey so far and going forward can resonate with some of you.
 
I've really covered the bases when it comes to self-actualization, I swear I know every strategy like the back of my hand - but the changes I've cared about most haven't come. The changes that HAVE happened, have been great. Success with women, presentation skills, healthy diet, etc. But one thing that hasn't changed threatens to root me in place like concrete, for good.

There's a cycle, and it begins with getting distracted (riveting I know, just stay with me). I'm now behind on something I was supposed to be working on. I lie and say I've done it - whether this be lying directly or just acting like nothing's the matter.  Can't break the facade, which means I can't be seen working on it later. Rather difficult when I have only so much time alone after work, school and research before I see my girlfriend. Don't break the facade, I can just finish it later and make up an excuse as to why it's late (Let me tell you, I'm quite the architect with these.). In the meantime, I've kept myself busy, but with everything EXCEPT what I was supposed to do. Maybe I game, or do 3d modeling, or the news - whatever it was you better believe I was efficient at it. The time spent on my assignment would have to be explained, if not to someone else than myself - I'd have to face the issue at hand - but even I need to believe the facade. I could finish all the week's work in one night. (I could, I've done it before, but there's no reason in the world to think of that as some dependable occurrence.)

As time drags on toward deadlines I can't even put a pencil to a piece of work, or an important email that I have to send. I give up if I start to fail during a day instead of catching myself and switching gears. I'd rather give in and believe that I can't take corrective action than do something about it.
Part of this is a tendency to get distracted, but there's something else - something I hope is reversible. When I was kid I used to dream. Sure, I was distractable then too (actually more so) but I didn't have any feeling of resistance when it came to my schoolwork. I loved it. Then middle school came, severe bullying, near suicide, difficulty with parents compounding. I was bullied, at least in part, because I asked too many questions. I liked learning too much.
 
I was the "What-If" kid. What-if the coffee maker could do this? What if the landing craft could do this? What if nature could do this? What if (in math) x could do this? I didn't understand why the abuse was happening, so I aimed the blame inwards and nearly committed suicide at 12. I became anxious, judgemental (toward myself and others), and got most of my drive from keeping up a facade rather than letting my curiosity roam free. As you might guess, keeping up a facade based on lack of effort and ease....isn't sustainable. It was for high school, most of Bioengineering Undergrad.

But now, with research, school, work and a girlfriend who just lost her father, the facade can't be sustained. These past couple years, I've tried to use negative thought to force myself to change my actions. The results haven't been good.
 
It's as if I were in a sealed off room, and due to my own breathing I will eventually risk breathing in too high a concentration of CO2. My current strategy would be to hold my breath, to avoid breathing in the CO2 - doesn't work too well, and leaves me with the suffocating emotional feeling I'm all too used to now. 
Instead, I think I need to reach for the oxygen,
and turn on the supply. The oxygen is my..drive. Curiosity, breathing room, whatever you want to call it.

Without that flow of oxygen, I'm left with the 2 options I encounter every day:                                                                                                                                               1. Be paralyzed, suffocate as I stop yourself from taking in any air.                                                                                                                                                                                2. Breathe the air that's available - the distractions, the low-engagement entertainment from gaming to news. My need to consume remains, but I'm unwilling to let myself freely do so, out of recollection of what I went through.
 
My biggest hurdle is commitment. My biggest hurdle in accomplishing that is the emotion that I attach to the smallest tasks and decisions. I know that if I can commit to small changes I can avoid the "molehill into a mountain" dilemma. I also know that I need fuel to get me there, and that negativity and self-shaming will do more to fuel the defensive facade than it would productive actions that in their enactment would acknowledge that facade is based on a lie. The ego will always protect itself.
 
And so there's the loop. My goal is to find my dreams again, and form values that will get me there. When these values are strong enough, my daily actions will more easily represent them and the direction I want to go.  My goal right now is to be responsible - a small one compared to what I used to have, but perhaps what I need now more than ever. If I can accomplish this one half-decently I should get the momentum I need to do more.
Thank you for listening friends, and godspeed. I look forward to knowing you.

Return to the River - Part 1

I look in his eyes,
Wishing to communicate,
What lies 'round final bend.

Not a finish-line,
No exit or river's end,
But instead a Mouth.

I once rounded that bend, and entered that Mouth..

Then the Mouth opened,
And it screamed out an ocean,
This path...
Once narrow, now wide.

I had searched for one,
one perfect path, one answer,
A silver bullet.


Instead there was choice,
more than I could imagine,
there was no answer.

Just destination,
And an ocean of options,
The rest up to me.


*Read "The River", my first post, before this.

The Day I Got It Right

It's just past midnight, and I'm still a little dazed. 

Today was, if anything, full to the brim. Woke up,  did dishes, went to work and got things done, had a nice lunch at a local diner and made some progress in the book "1984. Left work for a meeting on the medical device company, powered through some roadblocks and made some new contacts at the coffee shop, got home 2 hours later and seriously felt like kicking back. But didn't. Went to the gym, crushed the arms, gym closed early - no excuses, finished at home, picked up my girlfriend from Law School, got some Frozen Yogurt to-go so we could run to the pool before it closed, dropped her off, Pwned some noobs in League and cooked some seared salmon. Wrote a daily blog post.

You know what I didn't do? Sit on my ass. You know, when you literally waste hours on end - end up losing sleep while simultaneously having gotten nothing done (impressive, right?). Then you can't sleep because 1) you're stressed, 2) your day feels unfinished and 3) you've thoroughly screwed up your circadian rhythms with your phone screen.

So how the hell did today end up being one of the only days in years that I completely "got it right", and why am I confident this is a trend?

Today I made sure that I was always moving, doing something, pushing myself extra hard if I wanted to quit. I reminded myself that if I was exasperated to do what I could and give the problem time, if I was tired I'd just sleep that much better, if I looked too much like a newbie with a barbell to get stronger and ask questions. If had a full plate, I didn't try to eat it all at once - I tackled a section, let it digest and revisited it later.  I stayed vigilant, keeping an eye out for when I was slipping instead of being frozen in fear, unable to catch myself when a misstep inevitably came.

I lived today like its outcome wasn't important. That instead of an endpoint it was just part of a longer process. The finality, judgement, and entanglement of self-worth with a random day's outcome, gone. I lived today like I wanted to be something, instead of like I was avoiding being something.

Predict, Pivot, Pursue. Invest in yourself in every action. Run toward the uncomfortable, open that door and face what's behind it. You have nothing to lose but regret. 

*Tip of the day: Don't let yourself get overwhelmed. This is when you revert to old habits and become less conscious of the choices you make. If things are too crazy, take a deep breath, prioritize what you want to address and ask yourself honestly, "What can I do?", focusing on reality rather than a perfect world. Then move on. The moment you let yourself be overwhelmed, you cede power to your subconscious, habit-driven mind, which will justify you turning into a potato to reduce the swelling that you've let occur. Be aware, sense when you are close to this edge.