The Vicious Cycle of Fault

Just today I found an article that precisely describes the biggest fault that limits my progress and the best solution for it I've ever found.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/05/how-to-stop-taking-life-so-personally/

So what fault am I referring to? *Let me disclose that this problem may not effect you, but to those who it DOES effect, it can be very difficult to address*

My shoulders are sore tonight. Although I could blame the several hours of tennis I just played, I know the real reason - I've put the world on them. It all starts with one word:

Fault.

Have you ever stopped yourself, stopped your mind dead in its tracks to see what that sneaky organ is up to? I like to do it after something goes wrong - say, some accident that I had no control over - that affects my work or research. All of a sudden, I feel a familiar feeling wash over me: Guilt, Shame, Embarrassment. 

That's right, it's my mind working away to make me feel at fault for something I had nothing to do with. In small amounts it's fine, I believe it's life's way of pushing us to feel responsible for the success of things we're involved in. The problem comes when its constant.

This brings some key symptoms:

1) Your happiness isn't consistent. Some days you feel on top of life, happy, in control. Other days you feel like a failure, painfully aware of your faults yet paralyzed, unable to overcome them or do much at all. It's almost a catatonic state that then gets filled with Facebook, games, distractions - anything to distract your brain.

2) You approach possible solutions the wrong way. This is one that really made it difficult for me to overcome always feeling at fault. I always was looking for a silver bullet - because I MUST be doing something wrong, right? If only I changed my actions or mindset, things wouldn't happen the way they did!

Here's the problem: I may be a level 23 life magician but there is no way in Hell that I will EVER be able to stop the Universe from.... well, being the Universe. There are SO many outcomes and occurrences that I have literally NO control over. I could bend over backwards, be literally perfect - and it wouldn't matter. Once you realize it's a physiological, chemical reaction and not just the "way you think", it will begin to dissipate.

3) Because you base your happiness on outcomes out of your control, you can NEVER win. Even worse, you may get excited when an approach works but you'll be brought to despair once that fails to work a second time.

4) Your "failures" start to really weigh on you. When you think of trying to change or embark on some venture, you're paralyzed. You've seen what you thought were foolproof approaches work and then fail, so the problem HAS to be with you. You don't have any confidence in your ability to make change and you subconsciously skirt challenges because they will almost guaranteed bring more shame your way. This is the stage I've gotten to.

The KEY to getting out of this vicious cycle is to not take the Universe personally. Take a step back. Now take a deep breath. As you exhale, accept that tomorrow you could get hit by a bus. That's it. It happens every day. The Universe does ONE thing. It Acts. No amount of thinking or planning is going to change that. [Not surprisingly, this approach also gets you over fear of death pretty quickly]

When you accept that, frankly, shit happens, you become more of an observer. When something goes wrong, instead of fault creeping in you see several options pop up, like on "Who wants to be a Millionaire". You curiously peruse the actions you could take and choose the optimal one for your goals. Wrong choice? No problem, you approach it with interest as a learning experiment. It's weird how quickly and well this works.

Now, now I know what question is coming: Why do I want to become a cold observer that only experiences life from a distance?    Don't worry, the opposite actually happens.

I used to think to be aware and truly experience life I had to completely immerse myself in every aspect of my day, intimately experiencing everything without truly processing it.

Instead of some enlightened experience of connectedness, it felt like I was in front of a fan - a fan which was constantly spraying a blizzard of shit into my face. Nowhere in this shit-blizzard was there time to decipher what things I should emotionally react to, feel responsible for, or pay attention to. Awareness isn't just about paying attention, it's about what you selectively pay attention to.

Not taking the Universe personally lets you take a step back and CHOOSE what you want to experience, what you want to entangle your emotions with. I've found these "chosen" experiences to be ones with which I'm not just happier, but also incredibly intimate with and aware of. This approach encompasses a growth mentality that keeps you focused on improving and experiencing instead of self-blaming and "fixing yourself" in an effort to change things you have no influence over.

****** LAST BUT NOT LEAST *******

Taking the blame can be noble, and an essential part of life. But people who take the blame too much, like myself, are often also programmed to take on loads of responsibility. At first, it's no issue in your head because you know what you're capable of (IF you do your best and everything goes perfectly, a default expectation I always seem to have). The problem comes when you start thinking of underperforming - maybe you start on a project later then you wanted to. Next thing you know you're shaming yourself for not having been proactive, causing paralysis and much more serious lapses in work. I literally had a semester where every single assignment, for every single class, was late. Now to be fair it was grad classes and I still got a 3.5, but that semester PERFECTLY embodied this cycle.

Moral of the story: Taking blame for the Universe actually PREVENTS you from taking on responsibilities you're capable of and PREVENTS you from both being happy and improving the person you are. It's not noble. It's not useful. It will never work.

**I've found being in this cycle can drastically increase fear of death / becoming nothing because, surprise surprise, you somehow feel responsible for not preventing it or securing a different outcome, like you'll run out of time and never find the answer that will supposedly save you. This can lead to some pretty horrific depression, so if this describes you (as it has described me), 1) Seek help if the danger is immediate and 2) Please take the advice in this post, EVEN if you are not at this point yet.

Challenge to you: SAY NO.  Learning to say "NO" is essential to being happy and navigating this path. It sets your priorities and prevents you from taking on more responsibility than you can reasonably handle in your current state. Say "NO" now and build yourself into someone that can say "YES" more often.

Something to Grow On

Humans are pretty insightful. Our thoughts can lead us to see life with clarity and understanding in mere moments, and for a short time we hold this wisdom. But no matter how many times we attain it, it always slips away like we never knew it at all. Grasping at sand that blows away with the wind, branches reaching out wildly only to wither in need of a core to support them. A person climbing a ladder as fast as they can, hoping to just touch the top, only to fall forever in need of something solid to call ground.

In the search of what we may be, we must constantly remember who we are.

It seems like a contradiction, right? To bring in the future, we need to cast out the past! And therein lies the problem with that mentality - the past here isn't some obsolete technology, some old style - it's our entire selves! Chances are good when we go to cast out the past we haven't drawn a clear line between what's OK to toss aside and what's essential to who we are. It's the difference between a precise pivot and carelessly casting out everything that we are.

With each casting out it becomes harder to hold on to even the most basic pieces of who you are with confidence. Next thing you know you're floating in limbo, shattered into disorganized pieces every time you challenge who you are.

So here's my challenge to you (and myself) for this coming week: 

• Bring a small piece of paper with you everywhere you go. Every time you think of something that is part of the base of who you are, write it down. A quality, something you care about, a sport, a type of music - write it down and lay the cement. 

I'm facing some difficult challenges right now in life, strong enough to blow me away. In the past week I've known both what it is like to:

1. Cast out who I am in want of change, only to find emptiness, directionless progress, and a loss of confidence in everything that I am rather than just the parts I wanted to change.
2. and also stand firm against the wind, with the superfluous structure blowing away but the chiseled core remaining defiant and unmoved. In this moment I felt indestructible.

Stay strong in who you are. Question the path you take, not your ability to walk upon it. Find your  form, and wear it with pride - it is your core, your rock.

Every Drop of Life

"To experience infinity and to live a mortal life are not different dreams. As I know my time will some day come, I savor the sensation of each moment, infinitesimally small. The sum of these moments is my life, and my infinity. Only after this infinity will I finally grow tired and, with a smile, lie to rest. Most people are connected to this world by threads - floating, lost in their own visions and dreaming of some abstract grandeur that follows this life. Instead of praying with these hands, I seek to weave a cloak - working the threads of my soul into the great tapestry that is draped upon our world. I will one day leave this world, with that cloak on my shoulders. And it shall embrace me during death, as I embraced it during life."

Judgement and Righteousness

 Just some metaphysical stuff that popped in my head about our attitudes of "judgement" and "righteousness".
Some people say they feel a greater presence, a greater purpose, something higher. They often call this God. I've felt this, stronger than most I'd say. But I don't place this presence in some paternal figure that watches over us, rather I see this presence and essence contained within each and every one of us. The forces that move us, our potential to fulfill our unique potentials and the intrinsic worth of life we carry within us. Together we form a collective consciousness, a being of its own made from our greatest faults and triumphs. This is the river, in which we're just drops of water. But the point I want to make here is that we have the choice to either fight or accept who we are, we take ultimate responsibility for our actions because we have to answer to ourselves. Putting an omnipotent man in the sky takes away that responsibility - it lets us judge others and justify our own actions. There is no right and wrong, it's a matter of opinion. If I end a gunman's life to save a child, I am not justified by a higher power or some morality - my actions are my own, and I'm willing to perform them without some moral claim because those actions embody who I am. Responsibility is daunting, and we naturally try to hang it on someone/something else - in this case, a set of morals laid out in a religious text. We're in no position to judge right or wrong, and trying to draw these lines is, I believe, a defense mechanism. We're worried that without set rules, anarchy would reign. The truth is, a lot of these rules have nothing to do with morals but instead promote the survival of our species - we don't need religion for our so-called "morals". You can pull very similar rules, minus the judgement and righteousness, from a very basic drive - survival. I don't think we should do away with religion, the weak and broken still need a place to find solace and hope, and I find it difficult to ask those in that state to undergo the self-transformation necessary to find strength of their own. We're human, and if we're broken enough a veil, or perhaps blanket, of safety, hope and purpose can be exactly what we need to avoid shattering before we can stand again. But we cannot expect to ever find true strength in the righteousness of religion, we cannot accept ourselves if we reach for someone else's idea of perfect. Those who hang their importance on a religious ideal, who justify their actions with it, can never stand next to one who takes full responsibility for their actions and embodies their true self. Religion isn't wrong, I find it beautiful in so many ways and it has helped make me who I am. But if you're looking to find your true self, you can't ever view religion in the same light. It's not that you have to reject its ideals and run from it - I've found myself living up to the vast majority of Christian morals. Not because they're right or wrong, but because it's who I am. It's who I want to be. I was raised Christian, and still consider myself one in many ways, but I don't believe in the "God" figure anymore. I feel the "Him" around me in nature when I close my eyes, from the smallest plant to the tallest tree. I see Him in every person I meet no matter how troubled, "good" or "evil" they may be. Once you realize you are not the judge of others, you start to understand them - you see their motives, what truly drives them in life and you choose to love them. You see that you're not justified in trying to make them something they're not. And maybe then you accept your own path, the true path that you've always known was there, and you do it for you. There lies some power this world has rarely seen, the kind that causes ripples in that river and changes the path of humanity. Without a God watching over me, without the conventional heaven, should I feel alone? The truth is I've never felt more surrounded by love and purpose in my entire life, and I believe our consciousness is not a light switch hinged on life and death. I love life, but I don't fear death. Change that was once hard now feels like a returning to self. And now I finally see my path, because I'm looking through my own two eyes. So with every chance I get, I want to end the mentality of judgement and righteousness that dominates our society and continues to hurt the people I love.

I previously mentioned a situation where I would have to take a life to save one. I want to go further than just saying that I wouldn't use a set of morals to justify my actions. When we use a set of morals to justify our actions we create an "I'm Right"/"You're Wrong" or "I'm Good"/"You're Evil" mentality. I say here and now that "Evil" is an illusion created to feed our moral justification and remove any feeling of responsibility for actions against it's forces and agents. It allows us to hate someone. I choose, when I look at that person I am compelled to stop, to choose empathy instead. Whatever drove them to do what they've done - circumstances or even who they are - are as real to them as the things that drive me in the archetypal "Good" direction. Instead of hate I choose empathy, understanding and love for a brother, a sister who acts true to what drives them in this life. I will not support them and I will likely oppose them, but I will never hate them. To do so would be to claim I am justified by some set of morals in acting against them. I am not. Just as they are, I am simply acting true to who I am. I will act against them and their actions, but I will do so by my own volition, ready and willing to bear any and all responsibility for my actions.

3/15

3/15

A house built on lies will never stand, and when it falls it will be on the shoulders of those who chose to live within it.

In stressing over whether or not they'll still love you, you may cease to become the person they love.

Drumbeat Within

3/12

The drums in the depths of my heart beat. No more do they resemble frantic splashing at the surface. They have become a tidal pulse, slow and rhythmic yet strong enough to command the ocean that is my heart and soul. These drums are not a call to war but a call to being, to awakening. The rhythmic roar fills my ears, moving my body with calm yet indomitable force. I am a marionette of my own making and my own control. My strings are not chains, but connections to my soul. I no longer struggle against the currents within me, frantically fleeing from the gravity of my purpose. I stride in my own footsteps, feeling the familiar worn ground beneath me, steadying myself in my stance. I feel the power flow into me, anticipation in my legs and electricity through my fingertips. With these hands I will move mountains, with this heartbeat I will wake up the world.

What it is to truly love life

3/11

Enlightenment may look like a complete detachment from all things, a complete containment of the world within oneself and the inability to interact with others on the same level.  To me, it represents a complete embrace (not just acceptance) and love of everything down to the atomic level. There is no longer a hindrance of human facades, of judgment; there is just understanding in an empathic manner so strong that there is no division between you and I. In the great river that is existence, I don’t believe we are definable rocks or entities. Instead I believe we are all of the same essence, responding to the unique currents and eddies within ourselves. I believe my personal path is to see the beauty in how the great flow of existence shapes our paths uniquely, embracing the loves, the desires, the paths of others (as long as they are true to who they are) as our own. Just pause. Even when you’re not listening, you’re subconsciously reacting to other people, judging them perhaps. Tone of voice, posture, attitude. For me, only by becoming completely aware of these can I teach myself to not judge, but instead embrace. And I find myself smiling as I see the way they are in life. It’s often said that enlightenment is the ability to love everything and anyone, though to me the caveat is that this love is not blind. Like true love for another person, it requires seeing someone in their entirety. I was reminded by a close friend recently that my own principles and the way I think people should be are something I cannot, if I desire enlightenment, apply to anyone else. This is because I am trying to change them, I am victim to the shallow mindset that my inner truths can become universal truths. Perhaps many are, and perhaps the realizations I come to could apply to someone else, but by pushing them upon other people I am actively saying that I don’t accept them as they are. Yet the questions arises: how are we supposed to help other people go through this catharsis if we aren’t allowed to share the answers we have found? To me, the most useful thing you can provide someone with is not an answer, but a question because only a question gives them the chance to find their path. Questions are indeed universal, and by asking them you invite others alone the path of enlightenment without defining it for them. For me it’s not about falling in love with “what” the universe is, but rather “how” the universe is. This distinction avoids loving the world based on how it treats YOU, and instead focuses on embracing the great currents of existence that are forever constant. I believe that after applying this distinction, enlightenment is forever. Bustling sidewalks, the cool breeze on my skin, the pain of my heart breaking. Failure, success, triumph, disaster. I aim to embrace this world for what it is – good, bad, wrong, right. Because they are all just currents in this great river, and we are all in this together. As One.